This is not my ceiling
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
