I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
