so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hippo gnu deer
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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