I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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