if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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