I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
