life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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