The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
