I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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