I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
