if only i could text you this smell
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
