this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
