You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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