I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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