8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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