When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
