FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
