I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
