Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
