If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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