So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
