Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
