Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
