mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
