i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
