fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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