best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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