No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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