I wish they made helmets for livers.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
