at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
