he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
