Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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