There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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