the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
