I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
