Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
