I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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