I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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