I puked a lego.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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