The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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