So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
