I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
