and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
