here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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