I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
