It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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