Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
