I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
