it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
