I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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