i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
